The Dark Skies Movie Premiere! Or When A Premiere Isn’t A Premiere But An Excuse To Trot Out Extras And Have Fans Huddle For Warmth With Homeless People! I Can’t Make This Shit Up!

You know… This is going to sound like I’m really bitter… I mean it really is going to sound like I’m an angry dude, and honestly I’m not. Really, It could have been worse… Well.. No, No… It couldn’t have been worse. But we could have made it worse. lol…

I’m talking about the Dark Skies “premiere” and let me tell you, this was not really a premiere. It was like, hoping to meet Angelina Jolie and having her stunt double show up in her place. That’s what this was like.

When we arrived, Billy Beer and I, there was a lot of people just waiting in line to go in. Curious, we didn’t know what to do but eventually were in the front with some friends.

Tip number 1 for knowing that this is a horrible event: There are no other collector’s here.

Sigh… I would have been at the Les Miserables party were it not for the fact that I need Keri Russell to finish a couple things and I’ve never met her. Plus, nothing about that party seemed like fun to me. Nothing at all….

This is the problem with Awards Season, too much to try and so much to fail with. Seriously, it’s like… Oh… This is great and then you’re pushed to the end of the block and people have to walk half a block and scale some garbage cans to sign your poster. Why people fly in for this is beyond me!

After getting our super special Dark Skies wristbands we were ushered into two pens.

Okay, we are in the front, if people do show up we’re in a good spot. We actually asked the people in charge and one of the girls said, “Oh yes, this is a premiere! The cast is coming!”

So, we thought… Well, that sounds promising!

We were promised “tons of swag” and “free food!”

Well… Why not check this event out for a second then right?

The wind was so cold that it was slicing through me. It was 7:00 and we were just standing here frozen. Then some girls come out and say, “tweet about what a great time you’re having with #darkskies to win a shirt!”

So, like good sheep we do it. We show it to the people and they give us our shirts… 2xl! So, if Billy and I wanted to share one shirt we could. Sweet! ;/

When we inquire if we could have possibly, I don’t know a L or XL they looked at us like we were crazy. Perhaps the cold has made me seem larger than I really am? I’m sure this is the case with Billy but myself? Really?

Billy Beer is going to made fun of a lot in this article. Because I wanted to call it when my giant shirt seemed like all I was going to get, he insisted we stay. ;/

Now, here comes the grub! Two food trucks come on up and they start passing out quesadilla wedges to the crowd. Apparently, the budget for this event didn’t allow for more than one wedge per person so they had to check off our wristbands once we got our “food.”

This didn’t stop the people around us pushing and shoving to get their wedges. They also started serving mini tacos and chicken nuggets. And the crowd goes wild! I mean there was fighting, one woman started yelling, “food for the children! Food for the children!”

This led me to think, one: why are kids going to a horror movie and two: why haven’t her kids eaten today. The funny thing is… There were no kids around. I think they let in homeless people and they were storing up the chicken nuggets for the week. It was a tad disturbing.

The crowd was now freezing and then the DJ made the announcement that we were not getting let in until 8:30 p.m. A large groan and moan came over the audience.

Again… I turn to Billy and say, “we need to go” and Billy says, “When Keri Russell comes and signs everything you’re going to be disappointed!” Right… If that happened I would lick my own ass. There is no way anyone is coming to this jank-ass event.

Huddled together with the frozen masses, a man runs to the front and yells at security, “I have a bad back, I can’t stand.” Security looks at him and turns away. Nice! Then the man persists and grabs one of the food girls.. She tries to do something and lets the guy go inside. Ironically, this guy could climb over the barricade and then started dancing on the sidewalk. Ummm Perhaps you don’t have a bad back, maybe you were just frozen?

Ya think?

Then bad back dude tries to make small talk with Billy and talks about Soccer since Billy is wearing a soccer jacket. Yep, Billy looks like a soccer coach who carries hard candy in his pocket. However, instead of candy Billy has a “Dark Skies” poster photo.

I wish I could make this shit up… BUT IT GETS BETTER!

They say, “We have gift cards!” Update your facebook page with a HASHTAG! I hate facebook posts with hashtags but whatever! Then they have three gift cards to pass out and Billy and I get rejected for the cards because we got the giant T-Shirts that Billy is now using as a pashmina to keep warm! One piece of swag per person!

So, the bundles of swag were giant overcoat like shirts and a quesadilla wedge!

Again, I say… “Billy I’m leaving.” To which Billy gives me his puppy dog face. Dammit! It’s like he’s a half dead dog whimpering in a muddy ditch, you can’t say no. It’s frustrating. If Billy had a secret power it would be his puppy dog face.

I think there are a couple homeless people burning their shirts for warmth in the corner.

Oh look… More swag… There are plastic glasses… and in all their wisdom the people decide to throw them into the crowd. So now, people are fighting and jumping on each other for these .10 cent glasses.

Sigh… The crowd is full of excitement…

Wait… Wait… The cast is here! Seriously… It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for…

The announcement has been made. Billy tests his sharpies. He clutches his photo like a crack baby clinging to it’s last rock. He’s stoked…

And the announcement is made… Live… IN PERSON… Right here… For Billy Beer… Is… Annie Thurman! Yes, Tribute #9 in Hunger Games with us live in person!

A gasp goes through the crowd… That was more of shuddering from the cold but still…

Billy dug through his bag for just the right pen to get this photo signed. And let me tell you, his excitement was busting from his nut sack.

He was about to pass out… Thankfully, the freezing cold kept him upright…

But wait… WAIT! There was also LJ Benet!

Yep, another huge star from the film! Billy again thought to himself…”Do I hand LJ Benet blue?” A bead of sweat dripped from his forehead… “What if LJ Benet doesn’t sign in blue? Then what!”

Billy’s fears were swayed when LJ Benet was happy to sign his photo.

Along with the mini headshots his mom passed out to the crowd. So that was nice…

THEN! If this wasn’t star studded enough!?!? Out comes a little boy!

I don’t remember his name but Billy was excited! Billy started looking for that hard candy I mentioned earlier to offer the small child in exchange for signing his Dark Skies photo.

Oh, be still Billy Beer’s beating heart.

Then I say, “Billy… I’m leaving…” Billy says, “No wait! Keri Russell could still be here!”

Like they are just holding out on us and pulling out the big guns at the end of the night! They are going to beam Keri Russell in to this event on a bold shaft of light so she can sign her life away. As if they are holding Keri Russell hostage in a popcorn warmer and pulling her out at the last minute to tantalize the crowd.

So Billy asks Annie Thurman if Keri Russell is coming. Really Billy? Annie Thurman’s response?

“No, Keri lives in New York!”

Like flying in would just be out of this world? You mean people fly in for events? Say wha?

Sorry, It’s totally not her fault. Billy was being an ass to me by asking.

I will say Annie Thurman is adorable and is like the poor mans Emma Stone. Well… The homeless man’s Emma Stone. But still in all seriousness, she really is cute.

And then, I say, I’m leaving and texting everyone I know right now about this night.

Sigh… but thankfully, I have that 2XL shirt to keep me warm tonight.

Until next time kids…