Poor Big Mike! He is having a hell of a time getting Lord of the Rings star Elijah Wood! You know, I have the same luck sometimes with people. For the longest time I couldn’t get Tom Cruise and he’s one of the nicest people around in terms of being fan friendly.
Big Mike checked out the FX party that featured stars of all their series like Wilfred, Anger Management, etc… He was really hoping for Elijah Wood and Charlie Sheen…. Let’s just say he wasn’t “Winning” this night!
Doh! Two Fanboy Fails articles in a row! Check out Big Mike’s report after the jump!
Hello autograph lovers out there. It’s Mellow Mike reporting from the field once again. I haven’t had much to write about lately. Actually, I had aboot four articles I was going to submit to Mike the Fanboy, but they were all depressing fails. It has not been a good year for yours truly. I ended last year with four of five straight fails and started this year with aboot four of five straight fails. It gets a bit disheartening after a while. I was lucky enough to attend a few industry events last May and got a few autographs inside, but those were Emmy Consideration events and anyone has a pretty good chance to get someone at one of those events. This evening would be a tale of redemption for me. I got wind of an FX event featuring the stars of three of its featured comedies: “Louie”, “Wilfred”, and “Anger Management” at a nightclub in Hollywood.
I wanted the stars of “Wilfred” and “Anger Management. Those would be Elijah Wood and Charlie Sheen. This would be my fourth attempt at Elijah in a year and my first ever for Sheen. I had my “Sin City” poster and my Kevin figure from the same movie for Elijah and two baseballs for Charlie. One for me, and one for my friend “Airball” back home in Chicago. (He earned that name during a halftime contest at a basketball game. He did not win the contest.)
I was extremely lucky to get out of work early since the boss was out of town and I headed to Hollywood. I arrived well before the press was due to check in and I wasn’t the first person there. I was the second. Now if I had turned in the previous articles I mentioned earlier you would notice the pattern of me arriving to the event in almost no time at all and being the first person there. Two dangerous omens for me, and lucky ones for everyone else because I almost always get nothing when I’m the first person to arrive at an event or have no trouble getting from work to Hollywood despite LA traffic. This time would be different. It had to be.
The event was taking place at a spot called Lure behind Amoeba Records in Hollywood. I staked out a spot across the street from where the cars would drop off the talent at the start of the red carpet. There were no barricades so that wasn’t really a good sign. After a couple of dealers arrived on the scene they decided to wait across the street at a barricade that was put up at an alley near the end of the block. It was only as wide as the sidewalk, but it was a pretty wide sidewalk. I decided to follow because I never guess right with much, so why not do what the pros are doing? We got a great spot at the barricade at the left end where you want to stand if you’re at a barricade. For some reason celebrities always start at the left side and work their way to the right. I usually get stuck on the right side and always get skipped for whatever goddamn reason. So I was stoked to have a decent spot.
I don’t have the most crowd friendly items for Elijah. I have my poster rolled around two tubes and a figure to set on top of it should he come over to sign. You pretty much have to be in front if you want to attempt to get both of those signed. The baseballs for Charlie should be easy to maneuver over and through the countless pictures that would no doubt be trying to cover my stuff. I’m glad I didn’t get too comfortable because the head security guy came over to us to explain that they weren’t going to be allowing anyone to be standing where we were. We would have to go back across the street. Fine. He was very nice and respectful aboot it and no one else had yet arrived to take our spots we vacated. Pinky had made her way to the event and reminded me to be aggressive. I hear that every damn time. I am aggressive, I just can’t force the celebs to sign for me and there’s only so much yelling I can do once they’ve skipped me and decide to stop signing. I don’t know how the hell that always seems to happen, but today should be different.
It’s nearing start time now and there’s aboot a dozen and a half of us. I think I’m only one of three people there that is an actual fan and collector. The rest are dealers just in it for the dough. A black Towncar approaches and the dealers all head to the spot with the barricades where a few of us were told we couldn’t wait. Ha! They’ll be back. The first actor to arrive is the dude who plays the guy in the dog suit on “Wilfred”. I don’t panic, as I don’t have anything for him. He happily obliges and starts the red carpet gig.
I observe security approach the dealers and start conversing with them. I make sure to stand my ground at my “prime” spot for when they all have to sludge their way back. Security walks away and any second everyone is going to start walking back across the street to me. For some reason time seems to stand still and no one moves. WTF?!? They get to stay. Son of a bitch! I already had a great spot over there. Not cool. Now me and a couple others have to make our way across the street to get a spot behind all the dealers that pretty much just got there and now have the best spots. How does this always happen to me? It only figures that a surge in traffic happens and it is now taking forever to trek the thirty simple yards back over across the street. Awesome. When I finally make it I’m at the second to last spot on the barrier on the right side. Hey, at least I’m still in a front spot.
Louis C.K. arrives and a few folks shout for him. I love his show but I don’t have anything for him. I wouldn’t mind a picture with him, but it doesn’t matter because he only glances over and makes his way to the red carpet. Bummer? Any other time, yes. Not today. I gotta get my “Sin City” items signed finally. Three fails in one year is almost pathetic. Elijah is a great signer to his fans, so I have almost no excuse. I guess. My last attempt was nine months ago at a talk show taping. He happily signed but I got covered with everyone else’s pictures and he skipped my figure even though I was asking and asking him when he was right in front of me. Not yelling, but aggressive enough. That was a bummer, but that was the past. Tonight would be different.
More FX stars arrived. I’d tell you who they were, but I don’t know any of them. Except for Russell Brand. He’s big in England. I’m not really a fan, but I guess I have no problem with him. If I had to choose between him and Katy Perry his ass would be out on the curb in no time and I’d be dyeing my hair blue or whatever the hell she says to do, cause she’s hot as hell. Except when her hair is blue. The whole colored hair thing doesn’t really work for a lot of the people that do it, but she’s got a great rack, so she must be forgiven. Okay, I like a few of her songs too. Anyhoo, Mr. Ex Mrs. Perry is asked to come over and sign but when he arrives but he yells over “Just sign them yourselves and pretend I did it!” No. You don’t mess with autograph seekers. If you do, you’d better be funnier than that. He goes off and does the red carpet thing and the guy every autograph dealer and collector loves, Red Bull, comments “No wonder Katy Perry divorced you!”, which gets the dismay of all of us. He explains that he’d rather be on Team Katy any day, and all seems to be forgiven. Well, at least understood.
Russell makes his back aboot ten minutes later and relents to coming over to sign when Elijah Wood arrives. Great timing. We call for Elijah while Russell Brand signs for a few before the crowd immediately loses interest in him and he slinks away. I see Elijah point over in our direction. It feels like he pointed at my “Sin City” stuff and is happy that it isn’t that “Lord of the Rings” crap he’s always getting shoved in his face. He was such a badass in “Sin City”. Check it out. He didn’t even say one line and rocked it. He makes his way over and starts over on the left side. I’m ready. My figure is placed strategically on my poster so he can sign both with my silver. It looks like he’s got a blue sharpie and is signing everything with that. I figure I will have to live with that if I want him and throw out a couple of requests to sign my stuff when he makes it to my end. He tells us that he’s just going to sign in one direction and as soon as he makes it to me everyone has now shifted over on me and have completely covered me. This is what I get for being short. I hate being short. I’ve always hated being short. I ask for him to sign my items and he’s signing everything he can but his vision of my items is blocked when I get covered. He signs a few more things and is off to the red carpet.
“Goddammit!” I don’t usually show my frustration and no one really notices anyway, but this is un-fucking-believable. For the next hour and a half I have the feeling and look on my face that athletes do when their team is aboot to be eliminated from the playoffs. So freakin’ close, yet again. I freakin’ hate dealers. I hate being short and I hate when I get skipped. I know I’m never owed an autograph, but when you wait many hours just to be covered by items that will be for sale the next day, you just want to kick a nun and punch a baby. And vice versa.
I tell myself it’ll be different with Charlie, which is something I don’t normally do. I try not to look forward to much in life because things always seem to go to shit. Unfortunately, that’s the harsh reality I live. I try to be cautiously indifferent at best. Optimism is just a jinx in my life. Sad, but true.
It is now around 9pm and Sheen finally arrives. He hasn’t even gotten out of his car before the barrage of flashes goes off. We call and call for him and he points at us and starts to head over. I have my baseballs and blue ballpoint pen in hand ready for him. He’s got to sign at least one. These are more crowd friendly. I can move these around easier if some butthole tries to cover me and I don’t have to worry aboot hitting the signer in the face with my figure or poster tubes. It’s on now. Charlie all of a sudden stops and wonders why we aren’t taking pictures of him. When someone tells him we’d like for him to sign for us he says he’s only going to let us take his picture.
I call that the “Bruce Willis”, since Bruce did that at the “Red” movie premiere a year or two ago. Nice. Once we’ve snapped a few pics he’s off to the red carpet. I told myself I would only try for folks on the way in but I stick around another forty-five minutes along with a small handful of dealers. By then the crew has taken down the media section and the cars are deciding where to pick up the talent and there is no way to know where that will be. Fail. Again. It’s not the first, probably not the last, but it really sucks.
I’m glad Elijah signed for everyone, but it just wasn’t meant to be. That’s pretty much what each article I almost submitted would’ve said so far this year. I will not be going to Comic-Con cause I need a break from this crap. For now, you are on your own and I gotta say, I like your chances.
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