The Sex Tape Premiere! A Flaccid Waste Of Time! Cameron Diaz And Jason Segel Disses! Rob Lowe Weirdness! And More!

Ugh… All I can say is ugh… The premiere of Sex Tape was a flaccid affair, and my hopes where definitely premature. See the last Cameron Diaz premiere, I didn’t go, because I know she’s not super fan friendly. Well, she ended up signing a lot, so I figured, Oh… Sex Tape has a pretty accommodating cast, Jason Segel is okay, Cameron has been nice lately, and Rob Lowe is in the cast who I need on a hundred vintage things, so cool.

Scotty got down there, and said the set up sucked. Ugh x2. But still we make the best of it. The Other Mike showed up and I drove Ace and Alex down with me. The space on the barricade wasn’t that big for the fans, clearly they could give a crap about any of us. But again, we make the best of it.

Scotty has a boarded one sheet for The Sweetest Thing, so we’re not going for subtle here.

We all hung out and waited for the event to start. And then… We hear the dreaded words from the event coordinators, “Let’s put a barricade here…” Pointing to directly in front of us.

Apparently, the big idea is to put a pen for the publicists to cage them in, heaven forbid they wander freely on the red carpet. Sigh… So, now, we’re behind the publicists pen. Wonderful.

Still, there was a large opening and there was still hope right?

Mhhhhhhhhh…. Once things started kicking into “high” gear, the crowd formed behind us. There was one girl who must have thought she was a piece of saran wrap because she was so tightly pressed up against my ass, I thought she wanted to crawl inside and make a home. She was like this starting at I dunno four o’clock and on. Seriously, she was so close, I thought I was growing a hump. Yes, a hump. She was so close, if I farted she could have felt the heat from my gas. I’m talking close.

Still… we press on.

This wasn’t like, the star studded event of the year, okay. I mean, some fun character actors, and such but you had one big (ish) name, Jason Segel and you know… The rest of the people. It really shouldn’t have been that hard.

But…

When you can’t get Oscar Nunez to glance your way, you know you’re in for a bad fucking night.

It started off with Alan Thicke from Growing Pains… Even typing that.. “The day started out with Alan Thicke from Growing Pains” depresses me. Now, I hear he’s a nice guy, do you think he would come over? Nope. He signed a couple photos that the publicists in the caged pen passed over to him, but that’s about it.

Okay Mr. Seaver…. Okay.

Speaking of the caged publicists… They all decided what a great idea it would be, to stand in the opening. Perhaps they were trying to appear to be in a constant state of readiness? But let’s face in, no one in this pen was dealing with Angelina Jolie okay? When someone has to use a white board for their clients name, maybe you should dial down the level of self importance? But no… No, they all thought they had shit that smelled like daisies.

Alas, this is how it’s going, it can all be okay though… Still the possibility right?

Arrivals..

Matthew Modine! (and I didn’t bring Cutthroat Island! Dammit!) A wave and look of, “Oh… What? People know my name?”

Carrie Preston! Ignores for most of the time and then is like, “Are you guys calling for me?” (still, she’s usually really nice, so I’m not holding it against her.)

Oscar Nunez! The biggest douche, second biggest of the night, but dude… This is a guy who’s biggest claim to fame is being the unattractive stripper from The Proposal. He should be happy anyone even knows his name and what did he do? Snarl… SNARL at the fan(s) calling for him. Seriously? SERIOUSLY!

Rob Corddry! Looks over and says, “No… I just can’t” This is a man who was in Butter and Muppets Most Wanted. Calm your roll there Rob, Calm your roll.

Ellie Kemper! I’m telling you, you would have thought she was relevant. I mean Bridesmaids was a long time ago, and you have five lines, so perhaps you should be a little nicer to people Kemper. Just saying.

Then Jason Segel and Cameron Diaz show up back to back.

Yelling, chanting, Jason says, “I’ll come back!” Let me spare you the anticipation… No… No you won’t Jason.

He and Cameron sort of waved, and then pointed up and the fans holding stuff with goofy looks on their faces.

I wish I could make that up. Instead of picking up a pen, they decided to point and grin. #whatthefuck

And off they went. The girl behind me was now halfway in my anal cavity, her other half was in The Other Mike’s anal cavity, so she clearly smelled delightful. I started passing out gum to mask her smell.

Sigh…

We continued to wait, I thought maybe just maybe Jason would actually come back, or maybe we would see Rob Lowe.

Here is where a fail becomes just… horrendous.

Rob Lowe arrives. We yell, wave our stuff, etc… Now, Scotty didn’t bring anything, so he had my About Last Night… mini poster. One of my favorite movies. It’s amazing. I have an About Last Night… Oversized VHS box used for display in video stores and another box for St. Elmos Fire.

I yelled I waved them. Rob Lowe pointed (apparently the point is the new selfie) at me three times. I can’t even lie. Then after standing there for a few minutes says, “I’m going to come over.” Now, I’m so excited because I’ve gone out for him three times and each time he dissed.

He comes right on over. Takes Scotty’s pen, signs the mini poster. I have the About Last Night… oversized VHS display he pointed at THREE TIMES and he skips me.

I was like. Oh, he just missed me… Mind you, it wasn’t hectic AT ALL. I say, “Rob would you please sign the About Last Night… promo VHS box, it was a promo from the original VHS release.” I can get all that out in under 2 seconds, Rob ignores me, signs a few more, then takes the pen and puts in on top of my item and walks away as the uncapped pen rolls down which could have destroyed the item, let alone the fact that I was the only one he wouldn’t sign for.

Now, He signed, he was good enough to do it, but for some reason, which I have no idea why he skipped items he pointed to and probably the reason he came over in the first place…

I’m… A… Little… Stunned.

Still, if it wasn’t for Scotty, I would have had a meltdown, like a full on meltdown. So many thanks my friend.

I need to go to sleep, I’m taking this as building up karma points for SDCC.

On the way out, because for some stupid reason I convinced myself to stay, Cameron Diaz ran out like her butt was on fire, followed by Jason Segel, and pretty much everyone else.

I’m going to bed.

Until next time kids…